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fic: Language Games

Title: Language Games
Author: fengirl88
Fandom: BBC Sherlock
Pairing: John/Lestrade
Rating: R
Warnings: a bit of sexual content and swearing.  Crack.
Wordcount: ~1100
Disclaimer:  They're still not mine.  Nor is Johnny Depp.
Summary: It's September the 19th and London is full of idiots pretending to be pirates. Lestrade is annoyed, John is amused and Sherlock is feeling left out.
A/N:  Written for the prompt square "other: to shut them up" on my kissbingo card; the card is here.
This is the nearest I can get to fulfilling alexanderjones's request for a happy ending involving Lestrade and one of the boys. Thanks to ginbitch for bringing the significance of September 19th to my attention in the first place.

Language Games

“I blame Johnny Depp,” Lestrade grumbled, screwing up his sandwich wrapper and lobbing it accurately at the nearest rubbish bin. “And sodding Walt Disney.”

John was still humming the same irritatingly catchy tune he'd been singing at breakfast, but broke off to say “Sorry – what?”

“Don't know what's got into them all,” Lestrade said. “Even the bloody Yard's full of idiots saying Avast there ye lubbers and Heave ho me hearties in piss-awful Mummerset accents.”

“Well, it is September the 19th,” John said. Like this was supposed to mean something.

“International Talk Like A Pirate Day,” John explained, apparently surprised Lestrade hadn't twigged it already.

The stupid bastards were everywhere today. Lestrade glared at yet another passing bunch of twerps wearing gold hoop earrings, bandannas on their heads, and sporting five o'clock shadow at lunchtime in St James's Park, for fuck's sake. He'd seen two parrots in the last ten minutes, not to mention a badly faked wooden leg.

“Arseholes,” Lestrade said, fuming. “I tell you, if one more pillock invites me to shiver their timbers...”

“Probably just angling for sex,” John said. “Maybe you should tell them you're not available for shivering other blokes' timbers any more.”

You,” Lestrade said, softening slightly and giving him an affectionate shove. “Been getting above yourself ever since I started shagging you.”

John grinned unrepentantly.

“Anyway, I like Johnny Depp,” he said.

“Huh,” Lestrade said. “No accounting for tastes.”

“I like you more,” John said encouragingly, leaning against Lestrade and earning a glare from the pinstriped suit on the next bench.

“Why anybody wants to see a film based on a bloody theme park ride...” Lestrade said.

“Have you seen it?”

Lestrade shook his head, glowering.

“Oh well,” John said. “There's a gap in your education that definitely needs plugging. Even Sherlock's seen that one. I'll bring it round tonight.”

The last thing Lestrade felt like doing after a day like today was watching Pirates of the Sodding Caribbean with blasted Johnny Depp. On the other hand, an evening on the sofa with John Watson wasn't a completely unappealing prospect, especially if the sofa didn't have Sherlock on it as well.

Pity he'd never liked the taste of rum. But there were always other possibilities. Whisky, for example.

“OK,” he said grudgingly. “See you about seven?”

By eight o'clock, Lestrade was starting to think he'd been stood up. Even John's key in the lock, a sound Lestrade hadn't quite got used to yet and that usually gave him a little thrill, didn't lift his mood.

“Sorry I'm so late,” John said. “Got into an argument with Sherlock just as I was leaving.”

Bloody Sherlock. Might have known it'd be something to do with him.

“What was it this time?”

John looked uncomfortable, guilty almost. Here it comes, Lestrade thought. Fuck. How Sherlock had lived with John all these months and not noticed he was gorgeous he'd never know. Nothing like a bit of jealousy to get the eyes open, though. And once Sherlock had woken up of course he'd be making a play for John, which would leave Lestrade precisely nowhere. Probably just trying to work out how to break it to him.

“He wanted to join us,” John said.

Oh. Lestrade hadn't been expecting a threesome.

Wasn't going to get one either, by the looks of it. John must have turned him down. Surprising.

“Bored, was he?” Lestrade asked, a bit nervously.

“Not exactly,” John said, putting the DVD on and fiddling about with the remote, “though with him it's never far off. Um – he said he fancied a pirate evening. I said no, so he's feeling a bit left out.”

“He what?”

“Apparently he ran into a particularly fetching group of pirates this afternoon in Marylebone High Street but they wouldn't let him join their crew.”

“The world's gone mad,” Lestrade groaned, tugging at his hair.

“Yup,” John said, collapsing onto the sofa next to him. “I could do that for you, if you like,” he added, stroking the back of Lestrade's neck and pushing his fingers up through his hair, gently massaging his scalp.

Lestrade knew he still had stern and uncompromising things to say about all this pirate nonsense. He just couldn't quite remember what they were at the moment.

“I always fancied being a pirate,” John said meditatively. “Rum, sodomy and the lash – or was that the British Navy?”

“I'll tell you this much,” Lestrade said, “I am not joining in the chorus of Fifteen Men On A Dead Man's Chest, so don't even think about it...”

As the theme tune started, Lestrade realized belatedly what John had been humming earlier. Must have planned this all along, the cheeky git. Probably hadn't planned on getting a string of plaintive and recriminatory texts from Sherlock though, much less texts uncharacteristically couched in pirate-speak. Lestrade had got so annoyed that he'd threatened to throw John's phone out of the window if he didn't turn the fucking thing off, after which John had started doing distracting and shameless things with the hand not already stroking Lestrade's neck, and quite a lot of the film's plot (such as it was) got lost somewhere along the line.

“There's a reason why that flag's called the Jolly Roger, you know,” John said some time later, giggling.

Lestrade groaned. “Your jokes really don't get any better, do they?”

“No,” John said happily. “But you know what you need to do if you want me to stop.”

“Are you going to go on about blasted pirates all night if I don't?”

“Arrr, matey,” John said, “shiver me t–”

Lestrade grabbed him and kissed him hard, went on kissing him until John felt heavy in his arms, breathless and collapsing against him. No more pirate talk, and no more bloody Sherlock talk, not even when Lestrade released him briefly so they could both gasp for air.

Ohh,” John said, shuddering with pleasure as Lestrade's fingers gripped his cock firmly and began to move, “oh yes, that's–”

“Hold your tongue, you miserable son of a sea-cook, or I'll clap you in irons,” Lestrade growled.

John gave a little moan and Lestrade kissed him again, ruthless and demanding as befitted a pirate captain disciplining an insubordinate member of his crew. He tried not to get too distracted by wondering where he'd left the handcuffs. After all, if the way John was thrusting up into Lestrade's fist and making incoherent noises was anything to go by, there really wasn't going to be time to use them.


( 45 comments — Leave a comment )
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(Deleted comment)
Dec. 15th, 2010 03:56 am (UTC)
thank you very much! well, if there is any attempt at mutiny in the morning I'm sure Lestrade will be more than ready to deal with it. *grins*
Dec. 15th, 2010 03:59 am (UTC)
Not much of a J/L shipper but I enjoyed this.

"The last thing Lestrade felt like doing after a day like today was watching Pirates of the Sodding Caribbean with blasted Johnny Depp." LOL. Well put.
Dec. 15th, 2010 04:00 am (UTC)
thank you very much! glad you enjoyed it, especially as you don't particularly ship them...
Dec. 15th, 2010 04:11 am (UTC)
Oh, what cracky fun :D But I really liked the parts that made it seem real. These lines especially:

"How Sherlock had lived with John all these months and not noticed he was gorgeous he'd never know... And once Sherlock had woken up of course he'd be making a play for John, which would leave Lestrade precisely nowhere."
Dec. 15th, 2010 04:16 am (UTC)
thank you very much! very glad you enjoyed the crack and the less cracky parts too. *beams*

Dec. 15th, 2010 04:18 am (UTC)
Yay! John/Lestrade is back! Minus angst, apart from Lestrade not really believing he can hang on to him! Actually, I really identified with Lestrade in this one, apart from my pathetic inability to throw balls of paper accurately. And I hope Sherlock eventually gave up on texting and went out to look for a friendly pirate crew. I have visions of him running away to sea and hating it.
Dec. 15th, 2010 04:24 am (UTC)
*giggling happily at your comment*

it was fun writing less angsty John/Lestrade this time. and I like to believe in this one that L is wrong to worry.

the question is whether any pirate crew would be so ill-advised as to ship Sherlock (so to speak)... I don't think anyone aboard would have fun on that particular voyage, though it might be fun to read about!

Edited at 2010-12-15 04:28 am (UTC)
(no subject) - kalypso_v - Dec. 15th, 2010 05:24 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - fengirl88 - Dec. 15th, 2010 12:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - fengirl88 - Dec. 20th, 2010 06:54 pm (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 15th, 2010 04:20 am (UTC)
YAY FOR JOHN/LESTRADE FLUFF. And sexytiems and silliness and pirates!

I kind of want to see Sherlock's pirate texts now. :D
Dec. 15th, 2010 04:25 am (UTC)
thank you very much! glad you enjoyed all those things.

I don't speak pirate very well myself, so decided not to attempt S's pirate texts. *grins*
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 15th, 2010 04:26 am (UTC)
thank you very much!

*snorting at your comment and icon*
Dec. 15th, 2010 04:37 am (UTC)
I love how cranky Lestrade gets about pirates and International Talk Like A Pirate Day! His rant in the park is priceless! He must love John if he's willing to watch Pirates of the Caribbean, or, at least, make out in front of it. *g*

It's too hilarious that Sherlock tried to join a pirate crew in Marylebone High Street and was turned down! I'm amazed John was able to leave Baker Street without Sherlock, considering the blow Sherlock had already suffered to his pride! *g*
Dec. 15th, 2010 04:42 am (UTC)
thank you very much! I'm sure failing to watch watching Pirates of the Caribbean on the sofa with John has much to recommend it. *grins*

and yes, John should probably be congratulated on being only an hour late in the circumstances...
Dec. 15th, 2010 04:43 am (UTC)
“Rum, sodomy and the lash – or was that the British Navy?” Wait...didn't John have that convo with Mycroft?
I somehow think Sherlock would have been FAR TOO GOOD at playing pirate. That probably put people off.
Poor Lestrade doesn't give himself enough credit. And I noticed he just though he wasn't expecting a threesome...not that he disapproved of it.
Dec. 15th, 2010 04:49 am (UTC)
thank you for this - I may have forgotten about a conversation along those lines between John and Mycroft...

I like the idea of Sherlock spooking potential crewmates by being too good at playing pirate.

Lestrade continues not to know how attractive he is, even though the rest of us caught up long ago. in this version of him I think he'd be open to the possibility of a threesome with J and S but understandably (and probably rightly) nervous about how it would turn out.
Dec. 15th, 2010 09:32 am (UTC)
This is lovely silly fun. But I suspect that Sherlock got turned down by the pirates in Marylebone for having done the research, and proposing to dress up like Edward 'Blackbeard' Teach. Because, as the DNB explains: 'Though no confirmed likeness survives, contemporary accounts and popular prints portrayed him as a tall, rugged man with a massive beard, which he decorated with ribbons (and even slow-burning hemp fuses on occasion) to heighten his fearsome appearance.' And a manic sociopath is one thing, but a maniac sociopath with a possibly exploding false beard might be alarming.
Dec. 15th, 2010 12:34 pm (UTC)
thank you! I can quite believe this of him. and a possibly exploding false beard would definitely make him scarier as a potential shipmate...
Dec. 15th, 2010 01:49 pm (UTC)
Zomg cuteness! *hearteyes*

Lestrade knew he still had stern and uncompromising things to say about all this pirate nonsense. He just couldn't quite remember what they were at the moment.

Hee! Yes, John would have that effect, wouldn't he?
Dec. 15th, 2010 02:13 pm (UTC)
thank you very much! yes, he would...

*pats your icon*
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 15th, 2010 08:31 pm (UTC)
sorry sweetie! but it is my icon of choice for the seriously cracky...

(I actually think he's still hot like that, but then I think his hotness transcends almost everything.)

have a nice black tie RG to cheer you up!
(Deleted comment)
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - fengirl88 - Dec. 20th, 2010 06:55 pm (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 15th, 2010 05:55 pm (UTC)
Hooray for all of this in its hilarious crackiosity!

Sherlock wanting to be a pirate makes me giggle too - he has the curls for it.
Dec. 15th, 2010 08:33 pm (UTC)
thank you very much! yes, the curls would definitely help...

he's still sulking about not being allowed to play, as you see.
Dec. 15th, 2010 06:49 pm (UTC)
Okay, I basically want to scribble little crayon hearts ALL OVER THIS <33333 Just perfect!
Dec. 15th, 2010 08:34 pm (UTC)
thank you very much! very glad you liked it.

*admires your scribbles*
Dec. 15th, 2010 07:34 pm (UTC)
ahhhh I forgot about Sept 19th. Sadly no one does it here, I'm stuck amongst landlubbers. :P

This was loads of fun!
Pirate talk!
Grumpy Lestrade (<3)
Smug John!

I cannot compliment it enough!
or was that the British Navy?
I think I've heard it the other way round too... :P

Love for you and for L/J. :*
Dec. 15th, 2010 08:38 pm (UTC)
thank you! sorry you are stuck amongst landlubbers, but very glad you enjoyed this. *beams*

have another picture of grumpy Lestrade...

the phrase (Rum, Sodomy and the Lash) gets around a lot - I think it's supposed to originate with Churchill talking about the traditions of the British Navy, but it has also been used as the title of an academic book about eighteenth-century pirates, and an album title for a band (and probably other things too that I don't know about).
(no subject) - turante - Dec. 15th, 2010 08:43 pm (UTC) - Expand
naughty Churchill - fengirl88 - Dec. 15th, 2010 09:13 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: naughty Churchill - turante - Dec. 15th, 2010 09:26 pm (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 15th, 2010 08:45 pm (UTC)
Awwww, I love this idiot-couple (meant in a good way)!! <3<3
Sherlock wanting to join a pirate groups amuses me to no end.
Dec. 15th, 2010 09:05 pm (UTC)
thank you very much! glad you enjoyed the idiocy and Sherlock's piratical aspirations...
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