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Title: Sherlock and the Art of Public Speaking

Author: fengirl88

Fandom: Sherlock

Pairing: Sherlock/Lestrade

Wordcount: ~2800

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: sexual content, embarrassment, semi-public sex 

Disclaimer: These characters are still not mine. No matter how hard I stare at them.

A/N: sequel to Dressing the Part (in which Sherlock takes Lestrade clothes shopping)


Thanks to warriorbot and ginbitch for beta wisdom on this one and to warriorbot for a timely question without which the final score would have been 3-0.


Summary: Sherlock helps Lestrade to prepare his speech for the Police Federation lunch.

Part 1 )

Eventually after a fair amount of wrangling and some colourful language on both sides, of the kind Lestrade probably won't be using in his speech on Monday, they manage to agree on a script, more or less.


But that, according to Sherlock, is only half the battle. He's been reading some bloody website about how to improve your performance as a public speaker and he is just full of helpful tips. Lestrade isn't as grateful for this as he might be. And the more Sherlock goes on regaling him with the expert's list of Dos and Don'ts, the more tense Lestrade becomes.


Delivery,” Sherlock says. “It can make or break a speech, so you've got to get it right. Which means practice. Come on, let's hear you.”


Takes quite a few goes before Sherlock's satisfied with Lestrade's delivery, but there's still no rest for the wicked. Apparently it's also very important to check out the venue, said so on the website, see if there's a lectern for example.


Lectern? For fuck's sake. If Lestrade ever gets hold of that website bloke he'll have a few choice words to say to the bastard. Possibly accompanied by a good slap.


But it's no good arguing with Sherlock. Never is. So they go to the big hotel where the fancy lunch will be. Flashing yet another warrant card nicked from Lestrade – this really is getting beyond a joke – Sherlock impresses on the staff how important it is that DI Lestrade and his colleague shouldn't be disturbed in their investigation and should have absolute privacy in the function room.


Looking at the long tables with their fine linen tablecloths and display of silverware and multiple glasses for each place setting makes Lestrade go hot and cold all over. Monday seems hideously close.


Sherlock insists Lestrade needs to run through the speech several times, till it's second nature. Needs to become so focused on the speech that nothing can put him off.


For Christ's sake, Sherlock, they're not going to heckle,” Lestrade says desperately.


You never know,” Sherlock says darkly. “If you start squeaking again the way you were earlier they might.”


This is just another fucking excuse for you to be rude to me, isn't it?” Lestrade flares up.


Sherlock indicates that he is wounded by the very suggestion. “Just trying to help. Some people have no gratitude.”


All right,” Lestrade says. “Let's get on with it. Shit, how many people can they fit in this room?” He's starting to panic again.


Don't think about that,” Sherlock says. “Find one person to make eye contact with, preferably at the back of the room.”


Lestrade barely restrains himself from expressing his ripe opinion of the speechmaking expert's bloody tips. Just manages to hold it in.


Before today, the only advice anyone ever gave him about public speaking was “When you get nervous, imagine your audience is naked.”


Since his audience at present consists entirely of Sherlock, that's really not very helpful.


As an audience, Sherlock is distractingly mobile. He keeps wandering around the vast function room and stopping in different places to check how well Lestrade's projecting his voice. Lestrade goes on practising against a running commentary of Can't hear you, still can't hear you and What are you, a DI or a mouse?


Finally the heckling stops and Lestrade thinks at last he's getting into his stride. He's almost starting to enjoy himself when he feels hands at his waist, unbuttoning and unzipping his trousers. Christ. When – fuck – how did Sherlock get down there without Lestrade seeing him?


Keep going, you idiot,” Sherlock says.


I don't believe this,” Lestrade groans.


I said, keep going,” Sherlock says irritably.


Right. Lestrade gets it now, the big idea that made Sherlock so excited in the lift and the taxi and at Lestrade's flat. Always knew being involved with Sherlock would make him certifiably insane sooner or later and it looks like today's the day. Because Lestrade doesn't even try to argue, just goes on rehearsing the speech as Sherlock takes him in his mouth.


This is definitely the craziest thing Sherlock has ever got him into. There isn't even a bolt on the door in this place, for fuck's sake. God help them if any of the hotel staff come in. Gross indecency, Lestrade thinks wildly, can't remember how long you get for that, but no way is a court going to buy this as consenting adults in private, not without stretching the definition of private so far it snaps. And that really ought to be a turn-off, shit, what is wrong with him?, but it isn't, he just keeps going, can't seem to stop, maybe Sherlock is right and he's finally got the bloody speech so hard-wired in his system that nothing can stop it.


Nothing but Sherlock, that is. Sherlock's extraordinary mouth and Sherlock's long hands, pushing Lestrade closer and closer to the point where he can't go on speaking or thinking or breathing or anything at all. Lestrade can hear his own voice becoming ragged, stumbling over words, losing his thread, it's madness, it's impossible, but he keeps on, doesn't want it to end, can't believe he's managed to hold out this long, almost half way through now and oh Christ that thing Sherlock's doing right there -


Lestrade's speech collapses into noisy incoherence, overtaken by his third orgasm of the afternoon.


You bastard,” Lestrade says, eventually. “How am I supposed not to think about that when I'm back here on Monday trying to make a fucking speech?


Sherlock wipes his mouth on the back of his hand – no spare handkerchief this time – and grins.


Give you something else to think about apart from stage fright,” he explains helpfully, like this is just another tip from that sodding website.


Lestrade glares at him – not as fiercely as he'd like to, because his head is still swimming and it's distracting.


Sherlock, meanwhile, is looking thoughtful again. Always a bad sign.


Not bad for a run-through,” he says. “But I think you're going to need a dress rehearsal as well. The website said -”


Fuck the website,” Lestrade snaps. “I am not doing this again and certainly not in that bloody suit.”


It's a very nice suit,” Sherlock says. His eyes have gone all dark again and he's looking a bit flushed.


Lestrade makes a mental note to be very careful when and where he wears that suit.


Oh well, if you're not going to have a dress rehearsal I suppose I'll just have to come to the real thing,” Sherlock says.


You dare,” Lestrade gasps. Then, recovering himself a bit: “And anyway you're not invited.”


I could be your plus one,” Sherlock suggests, with that innocent look that always means very big trouble.


It's not that sort of do,” Lestrade says desperately, “and no you couldn't.”


Just have to sneak in then,” Sherlock says cheekily, fingering the long fall of the tablecloth in a way that makes Lestrade's stomach tie itself in knots.


Looks like he was wrong about Sherlock's big idea after all. It wasn't just the rehearsal. Shit. The mad bastard really does want to suck him off while Lestrade's making that speech on Monday, wearing his beautiful new designer suit, at the sodding Police Federation's fancy lunch, with a bloody big audience watching Lestrade trying not to fall apart.


You wouldn't,” Lestrade says. “Even you wouldn't.”


Doesn't sound very convinced, though, even to himself. There's a reason for that.


Won't know till it happens, will you?” Sherlock says, glinting with malice. “Or till it doesn't. I expect uncertainty's quite good for producing adrenalin.”


It's a long lunch,” Lestrade says, clutching at straws now. “You'd be bored, and you know you hate being bored.”


Oh, I don't think so,” Sherlock says. “I'm never bored if there's something interesting to watch.”


He looks meaningly at Lestrade's crotch. Oh god.


And if I do get bored I'm sure I can find something to do,” Sherlock muses, with a gesture that isn't subtle at all.


Lestrade groans. He knows Sherlock is just crazy enough to do it, too.



This really wasn't how Lestrade had planned to spend his day off. Bloody clothes shopping and then bloody speechmaking. Now officially his two least favourite things in the world.


Lestrade's feeling pretty shagged out, which is hardly surprising. Hasn't had sex for months and now all this in one afternoon. He's been sucked off in a fitting-room, jumped and groped in a lift, seriously messed about in a taxi, hopelessly undone on his own bloody sofa, and now comprehensively sabotaged in the function room where he's got to make a fucking speech. On Monday. With Sherlock, quite possibly, lurking under the tablecloth waiting to interfere all over again.


Lestrade wonders yet again why he always lets Sherlock talk him into things. Wishes he had more willpower. Is also quite surprised that he has this much stamina. Wonders whether there is some equation that correlates the loss of willpower and the increase in stamina, like a heat exchange diagram. Decides it's best not to think about heat exchange.


Maybe it would be safest to see if he can wangle Sherlock an official invitation to the do on Monday.


At least then Lestrade would know where Sherlock was.


Would probably know where Sherlock was.


Even Sherlock hasn't developed the ability to be in two places at once.


Not yet.





( 27 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 14th, 2010 11:20 pm (UTC)
Marvelous! Poor Lestrade. *ruffles his hair affectionately*

And I just adored this bit. :)

“Oh, I don't think so,” Sherlock says. “I'm never bored if there's something interesting to watch.”

He looks meaningly at Lestrade's crotch. Oh god.
Oct. 14th, 2010 11:50 pm (UTC)
poor Lestrade indeed - though as ginbitch points out he does have some carnal compensations. thank you very much!
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 15th, 2010 12:12 am (UTC)
thank you very much! I like that combination myself as you can probably work out... glad you enjoyed it!
Oct. 15th, 2010 12:15 am (UTC)
Yeah, you're trying to polarize my poor brain all right; between this fic and Consequences part 3.

Lestrade in a designer suit - sounds edible.
Oct. 15th, 2010 12:17 am (UTC)
Sherlock clearly agrees with you... *grins*

thank you very much! had written this before I started Consequences but it took a while to knock it into postable shape.
Joy Zhang
Oct. 15th, 2010 04:07 am (UTC)
Heehee! Wonders what's gonna happen on Monday~

Damn, I hate making public speeches too. Even after 3 years of debate in university, I still get nervous. Won't get on the stand unless I absolutely have to. Always prefer one on one conversation, trying to ignore anyone else around.

Willpower and stamina? Hmmm...I'm pretty convinced that they correlate positively. It's Sherlock's willpower affecting the whole thing ;P
Oct. 15th, 2010 09:22 am (UTC)
as for what will happen on Monday, we can only speculate...

think you are right about S's willpower!

thanks for commenting - glad you enjoyed it! *beams*
Oct. 15th, 2010 04:51 am (UTC)
LOL! Sherlock is one evil, evil man, isn't he? :D
(I have to admit to being seriously curious to know how exactly Lestrade's speech turned out :) )

LOVE this whole series - naughty & funny & cheeky & a fun, FUN read :D
Oct. 15th, 2010 09:25 am (UTC)
thank you very much! *grins*

it's also the case that he just can't resist jumping Lestrade - and he has NO sense of boundaries.

I'm not sure if we will ever know what happened with the speech - perhaps in retrospect in another fic where there are S/L shenanigans somewhere inappropriate...
Oct. 15th, 2010 10:43 am (UTC)
I just read this and the one in the changing room, and I cackled gleefully throughout. These stories are so much fun. And I love how in character they are and how clearly Lestrade's voice can be heard. Marvellous stuff. Thank you.
Oct. 15th, 2010 10:08 pm (UTC)
thank you very much! *beams* delighted you enjoyed them. gleeful cackling is always good...
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 15th, 2010 10:10 pm (UTC)
mwah!!! to you too. enjoy your shower...

so glad you like this. *glomps*
Oct. 15th, 2010 02:53 pm (UTC)
Oh, lovely! :D
Oct. 15th, 2010 10:16 pm (UTC)
thank you very much! glad you enjoyed it.
Oct. 15th, 2010 05:20 pm (UTC)
Hot AND funny which is always an awesome combination! You are going to write the speech episode, right? PLEASE.
Oct. 15th, 2010 10:15 pm (UTC)
thank you very much! glad you liked it.
I think the speech episode itself would be quite tricky to do...
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 15th, 2010 10:12 pm (UTC)
thank you very much! *blushes*
I think S. has been taking cues from your icon...
Oct. 15th, 2010 06:38 pm (UTC)
The bit that got the loudest giggle from me was the 'imagine your audience is naked'. You have been reading these sheets with tips on presentations, haven't you? I just didn't realise I'd only ever seen the PG version of them.
Oct. 15th, 2010 10:11 pm (UTC)
I have been reading a website which I will not name as I'm sure the author would not want to be associated with this sort of carry-on. but the "imagine your audience naked" was warriorbot's contribution (she has obviously read those non-PG presentation tips!).
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 16th, 2010 10:07 am (UTC)
thank you very much! delighted you enjoyed it. *grins*

awesome icon is awesome...
Oct. 16th, 2010 08:29 am (UTC)
Lol! Absolutely brilliant! (Although I have the horrible feeling next time I have to give a talk I will be remembering this...)
Oct. 16th, 2010 10:09 am (UTC)
thank you! *beams*

had to go to a formal dinner last night with long tablecloths/multiple glasses/too much cutlery etc. a very odd experience in the circumstances...
Nov. 25th, 2010 04:21 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for sharing!
The most coherent thing I can come up with is Sherlock's mouth is so much more clever than the BBC is allowed to show us. And that's really very sad, isn't it? Poor lucky Lestrade.
Nov. 25th, 2010 01:03 pm (UTC)
Re: Thank you so much for sharing!
it is very sad indeed. and yes, poor lucky Lestrade...

thank you very much!
May. 12th, 2011 01:39 am (UTC)
This is wonderful. Poor, poor Lestrade, or on second thought, lucky him.
May. 12th, 2011 06:47 am (UTC)
thank you very much! glad you enjoyed it.
( 27 comments — Leave a comment )


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